The Secret-ion

During the glorious, yet broken years of my fateful reigns, the population of the known world was largely dominated by stupid, illiterate peasants…peasants retarded enough to believe in the undead.  Uneducated enough to believe that the earth was the center of the universe.  And gullible enough to believe that fanciful bile, gushing and spewing forth from the gaping mouth of the ravenous Church.  Yet really…could you blame those poor bastards?  I mean, look at the times…look at the environment.   After all, those filthy, wretched souls were buried neck-deep in the peanuty shit of human history.  Black Death was but a recent memory.  Warfare was so rife that no asshole was left un-penetrated (much like no child is left behind today).  And The Inquisition.  Ah, the lovely Inquisition.  The Church’s chumly way of saying, “thank you for the precious gold.  Now here’s a nice glowing pin for your unwashed genitals.”

And so…182,500 bowel movements on from the 15th century, I re-emerge to find an Age of Illumination, an age where the known world has grown to encompass a cloudy blue ball that orbits a mediocre sun, on the outskirts of a nondescript galaxy, in an average cluster…and expanding within the topography of spacetime.  An age, I dare say, where illiteracy has mostly been eradicated from the industrialized world.  So how then, in this brave new world,  did some unknown Australian bimbo pull off such a brilliant stunt, one that would put even the 15th century Church to shame?

Some Things Never Change

One of the disadvantages of omniscience is that you know everything…whether you like it or not.  And I say this with a heavy heart.  For, in my cosmic omniscience, I have become aware of The Law of Attraction.  Yes, the “law” that claims: if you really want something, and truly, truly believe it’s possible..well then , you’ll get it. Moses’ Taint, these fucking morons dare call this a law?  I mean, I’m a 15th century noble who was conditioned to believe that washing my asshole with water was an ironclad death sentence, and yet I can see through the veil, and gauge how bullshit this law is?

Do You Even Know What a Law Is?

What the hell is wrong with you people?  Are you really stupid enough to believe that The Universe gives a shit about what you think?  That somehow if you think only positive thoughts that the Cosmos will reward you with positive energy?  Suddenly, every environmental factor rendered meaningless, just because you wanted that new ipod?  So let’s clear this up once and for all, Rhonda.   Are you saying that every asshole in Chile prayed and prayed for a 9.0 magnitude earthquake?  And all of the 250,000 people littering the Indian Ocean in the aftermath of the 2004 tsunami were just begging for a good drowning?  Do you even know what a scientific law is?  Where, oh where is the verifiable evidence that proves this so-called law of attraction?  Hypothesis?  Challenging experiment?  Where is your scientific method (one of the great triumphs of The Age of Enlightenment)?  It’s nowhere to be found, for you insufferable pricks are still floating around the same intellectual level as those poor peasant subjects of the distant past.  6,000 years of human civilization, and only 1% of you have made it past the veritable 3rd level of Tetris.

Vlad’s Law, a.k.a. The Rhonda Byrne is a Useless Whore Theorem

Can you not see that you are being misled by this unattractive blonde tart from Down Under?  Can you not discern that she has discovered the true Secret?  A law that states implicitly: If you write a book about some “secret law” of The Universe, then you will make millions off of the critical mass of intellectual vacancy.

Hell’s Titties, if she can play that game, then I have a law for all of you gormless tits as well.  I call it Vlad’s Law, a noble law which eloquently states: When you think positive thoughts,  and wish for certain things to come your way, then The Universe will suddenly remember that you exist.  What it sees though is not a beautiful being of light and love, but instead a large, inviting pair of nuts, dangling to and fro in its cosmic domain.  In response, The Universe shall proceed to summarily kick you “squaw” in those dangling nuts, and reap its justifiable vengeance for you being such a fucking retard…and a glaring insult to the priceless gift of awareness.

March 6, 2010 | Categories: History, OpEd, Opinion, Pop Culture, Social Sciences | Tags: impaler, oprah winfrey, Pop Culture, tepes, the secret, vlad | 1 Comment