Despots of the World Unite!
In the year of your Lord 2011, a foul wind is blowing. Just months ago, it was nothing but an inconsequential breeze of discontent. Yet within a blink of my ancient eye, this breeze has grown to gale force levels. From a little back desert covering the salted ruins of Carthage to the STD ravaged-mummies of the Ptolemy line, the gale, a miasma of self-righteous freedom, has enveloped the whole of North Africa and the Middle East. The firmly entrenched autocracies of the region now suddenly find themselves completely uprooted, and floating toward the history books that no American will ever read.
But who is behind this madness? The collective will of a humiliated Arab nation? The Islamist extremist bogeymen of neo-conservative wet dreams? The “experts” on media outlets bandy about a steaming pile of explanations, it seems each one vying to be further from the truth. But listen not to those insufferable assholes, whether they be the fascist-tastic rants of Glenn Beck, the “Mubarak is a force for good. Um, what? Oh, shit! I mean the people have spoken, and Mubarak must go” one-two of Hilary Clinton, or the seemingly reasoned, but still dogshit arguments of Zakaria. All of their explanations are fucking absurd, and entrenched in their own ever flowing dogmatic diarrhea.
So who then is the source? Why are these harmless little dictators – who have never hurt anyone apart from 96% of their population and countless livestock – being ousted? After watching what some stupid pricks have called the most important film of our era, I have determined that it can be only one man behind this mess. One man and his diabolical…megalomaniacal scheme.
Zuckerburg!
Ever since this socially inept dipshit somehow stumbled upon the map of success with Facebook, he has had but one goal, and one goal only. A prize for all time. No, this prize is not in his billions, nor in his algorithms. The prize, my simple friends, lies within the abandoned ruins of Carthage. On the shores of Tripoli. Beneath the city of Alexandria. In the heart of the Holy Land. Don’t you now see it, my despotic brethren? This awkward and abrasive tit plans to trump us all, and become the great monopolizer of our sacred dictatorships. You can see it in his beady eyes.
Where, I ask you, is the level playing field? Why doesn’t anybody speak out? Where are the anti-trust laws protecting our mom and pop dictatorships from monopolization? Under these circumstances, we can’t possibly compete against him and his 13 year old cronies. I mean, how the hell can we put down a rebellion if its origin is some whining asshole’s tweet about not having a job? Or a say in the government? Or food? Or money for clothes? Well, maybe he shouldn’t have spent his money on the iphone then.
As a former middling dictator, my heart goes out to these little despots. These pioneers, these small-folk. These brave men who managed against all odds to carve out their little part of the world…with their own sweat, their own toil (and their own M1 Abrams provided by the United States). And now this half child – half douchebag comes along and takes it all away from the elder statesmen of the Middle East?
Though we be cast adrift in the sea change, do not fear. You can make a difference. Your voices shall be heard above the tumult of the unwashed. So all of you little dictators come out from your exile, whether you are stuck in a palace in Saudi Arabia, or a cozy house in Hawaii. Start tweeting. Update your facebook. Put your current employment status on linkedIn. The world shall no longer be deaf to your plight. I speak not for just a few aging autocrats, but for the multitude…the poor disenfranchised dictators who have been bullied for 6000 years by the Zuckerburgs of civilization.
Let us strike back with the pube-haired nob’s own arsenal…before it is too late. We can turn the tide, my friends, but we must act now. And so I summon forth my own little social network. Update my own status. Tweet my own revolutionary tweets. RT@ben ali gaddafi and mubarak never give up never surrender despots of the world unite lol! And then pat myself on the back for making a difference.
The Secret-ion
During the glorious, yet broken years of my fateful reigns, the population of the known world was largely dominated by stupid, illiterate peasants…peasants retarded enough to believe in the undead. Uneducated enough to believe that the earth was the center of the universe. And gullible enough to believe that fanciful bile, gushing and spewing forth from the gaping mouth of the ravenous Church. Yet really…could you blame those poor bastards? I mean, look at the times…look at the environment. After all, those filthy, wretched souls were buried neck-deep in the peanuty shit of human history. Black Death was but a recent memory. Warfare was so rife that no asshole was left un-penetrated (much like no child is left behind today). And The Inquisition. Ah, the lovely Inquisition. The Church’s chumly way of saying, “thank you for the precious gold. Now here’s a nice glowing pin for your unwashed genitals.”
And so…182,500 bowel movements on from the 15th century, I re-emerge to find an Age of Illumination, an age where the known world has grown to encompass a cloudy blue ball that orbits a mediocre sun, on the outskirts of a nondescript galaxy, in an average cluster…and expanding within the topography of spacetime. An age, I dare say, where illiteracy has mostly been eradicated from the industrialized world. So how then, in this brave new world, did some unknown Australian bimbo pull off such a brilliant stunt, one that would put even the 15th century Church to shame?
Some Things Never Change
One of the disadvantages of omniscience is that you know everything…whether you like it or not. And I say this with a heavy heart. For, in my cosmic omniscience, I have become aware of The Law of Attraction. Yes, the “law” that claims: if you really want something, and truly, truly believe it’s possible..well then , you’ll get it. Moses’ Taint, these fucking morons dare call this a law? I mean, I’m a 15th century noble who was conditioned to believe that washing my asshole with water was an ironclad death sentence, and yet I can see through the veil, and gauge how bullshit this law is?
Do You Even Know What a Law Is?
What the hell is wrong with you people? Are you really stupid enough to believe that The Universe gives a shit about what you think? That somehow if you think only positive thoughts that the Cosmos will reward you with positive energy? Suddenly, every environmental factor rendered meaningless, just because you wanted that new ipod? So let’s clear this up once and for all, Rhonda. Are you saying that every asshole in Chile prayed and prayed for a 9.0 magnitude earthquake? And all of the 250,000 people littering the Indian Ocean in the aftermath of the 2004 tsunami were just begging for a good drowning? Do you even know what a scientific law is? Where, oh where is the verifiable evidence that proves this so-called law of attraction? Hypothesis? Challenging experiment? Where is your scientific method (one of the great triumphs of The Age of Enlightenment)? It’s nowhere to be found, for you insufferable pricks are still floating around the same intellectual level as those poor peasant subjects of the distant past. 6,000 years of human civilization, and only 1% of you have made it past the veritable 3rd level of Tetris.
Vlad’s Law, a.k.a. The Rhonda Byrne is a Useless Whore Theorem
Can you not see that you are being misled by this unattractive blonde tart from Down Under? Can you not discern that she has discovered the true Secret? A law that states implicitly: If you write a book about some “secret law” of The Universe, then you will make millions off of the critical mass of intellectual vacancy.
Hell’s Titties, if she can play that game, then I have a law for all of you gormless tits as well. I call it Vlad’s Law, a noble law which eloquently states: When you think positive thoughts, and wish for certain things to come your way, then The Universe will suddenly remember that you exist. What it sees though is not a beautiful being of light and love, but instead a large, inviting pair of nuts, dangling to and fro in its cosmic domain. In response, The Universe shall proceed to summarily kick you “squaw” in those dangling nuts, and reap its justifiable vengeance for you being such a fucking retard…and a glaring insult to the priceless gift of awareness.
“I Could Have Been a Contender”
Reading up on current events, I am reminded of the tumultuous century before my birth. It was in that century that a ship of panic-stricken merchants sailed into the Mediterranean, carrying a payload of plague-bearing rats, poised to rain death down upon Europe, and tear asunder the very fabric of civilization. For a time, the whole of Europe lived in absolute terror. But Medieval folk were a tough lot – and easily amused to boot. So it was only a matter of time until they all got a good laugh from a set of exploding lymph nodes. They would even go so far as sing cute little children’s songs about it, and dance in circles until they fell on their bubos-ridden asses. And by the time I was born, the Black Plague transformed into the Great Whoopie Cushion of our times. And like the whoopie cushion, it never got old. Oh, I must have punk’d the Sultan and his armies a thousand times by paying plague victims to wander into his camps along the Danube.
Those were the good old days.
500 years on, and once again the world watches in paralytic horror as it encounters a new plague on the block. A plague so frightening…so horrifying…so devastating…and so slightly inconvenient. Helplessly, we watch, eyes glued to CNN and Fox News as an alarming number of cases of moderately ill people come flooding in. And those are the lucky ones. For there have even been reports of people not recovering for nearly, almost a week. To date, over 300 adults have succumbed to this modern scourge in the United States alone. But the stricken are not the only ones who have been affected by what the experts dub H1N1 (or what laymen call Ms. Piggy’s VD). Since the beginning of fall – and concurrent with a spike in Swine Flu cases – a growing number of people have reported that social websites, such as Facebook and Twitter, have been running like shit, surely bogged down by somewhat ill assholes that have nothing better to do than tweet us about some antiviral medication they took while watching Drew Carey make an utter ass of himself on “The New Price is Right”. And so, like a horde zombies (if zombies were a bunch of pussies who went into a frenzied panic about a slight temperature), they infect us all.
Jesus Wept!
What is wrong with you people? In my day, if an infection took only 300 people to the Jaws of Hades, it was considered another day at the office. We wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. In fact, we would be nothing if not relieved that only 300 friggin’ people died in one day, let alone one year. We Medieval folk appreciated what a proper scourge of humanity was. If an infection killed over a million people in 50 years, then it would be passed on to a Death Panel for consideration. And only after several years of deliberation, would it then be voted as a scourge. But now…Now it seems that it just takes one asshole feeling slightly off for everyone to fly off the handle, and run to the hills toward stockpiles of faulty vaccines.
A Proper Plague.
The Black Plague was a proper scourge. It killed 50-70 million people, and paved the way for entirely new economic systems, such as capitalism and communism. It moulded the world in a way not possible during most of human history. And you people dare treat the swine flu as if it was in the same class of illnesses? As English footballers say, the swine flu isn’t fit to lace the Bubonic Plague’s boots.
That said, I do understand where you are all coming from. I understand that everyone loves an upstart. A challenger. An underdog. I mean, who wasn’t rooting for Frank Bruno to beat Mike Tyson in 1996? We all hoped. We all prayed. We all even bigged Bruno up as a real contender who would give that rabid madman a beating. But in truth, in the core of our very hearts, we knew that he was utter crap, and that Tyson would paint the canvas with his blood. And so this is what we have with the Swine Flu. Everyone is hoping for the next Great Black Hope. But sadly, my friends, we will have to wait a little longer, for the Swine Flu is nothing if not the Frank Bruno of pathogens.
Velcome to the Mire of the 21st Century
532 years have passed since my ignoble murder. I now find myself resurrected, nay, reanimated in this cursed virtual world flooded with useless information, poised to infect humanity with incurable stupidity, and colossal ineptitude. I awaken to find a brave new world where several billion people vie to be the Emperor of Idiots in this global village.
In the time of my life, every soul within my reach, whether it be Saxon merchants, Wallachian peasants or Ottoman soldiers, got the point, or they um…got the point. Yet with all of your impressive technologies, no doubt dreamed up by visionary men far ahead of their time, I myself stare in horror as I see perfectly functioning cognitive processes completely arrested in most of the industrialized world.
I have been jarred awake from my peaceful sleep by a critical mass of stupidity, and I must say that I regard your world with nothing but utter contempt. And though I may no longer have the forests of the Fagaras Mountains at my disposal, I am working night and day to shape the wood into brutally sharpened points. Soon I shall be poised to rain down terror on the masses once again, my stakes ready to skewer your politics, religion, views on sexuality and life itself. And once again, I shall ask no quarter, nor shall I give any. Be warned. Be afraid. For I am come from the dead.
Vlad's Principality 
