Despots of the World Unite!

In the year of your Lord 2011, a foul wind is blowing.  Just months ago, it was nothing but an inconsequential breeze of discontent.  Yet within a blink of my ancient eye, this breeze has grown to gale force levels.  From a little back desert covering the salted ruins of Carthage to the STD ravaged-mummies of the Ptolemy line, the gale, a miasma of self-righteous freedom, has enveloped the whole of North Africa and the Middle East.  The firmly entrenched autocracies of the region now suddenly find themselves completely uprooted, and floating toward the history books that no American will ever read.

But who is behind this madness?  The collective will of a humiliated Arab nation?  The Islamist extremist bogeymen of neo-conservative wet dreams?  The “experts” on media outlets bandy about a steaming pile of explanations, it seems each one vying to be further from the truth.  But listen not to those insufferable assholes, whether they be the fascist-tastic rants of Glenn Beck, the “Mubarak is a force for good.  Um, what?  Oh, shit!  I mean the people have spoken, and Mubarak must go” one-two of Hilary Clinton, or the seemingly reasoned, but still dogshit arguments of Zakaria.  All of their explanations are fucking absurd, and entrenched in their own ever flowing dogmatic diarrhea.

So who then is the source?  Why are these harmless little dictators – who have never hurt anyone apart from 96% of their population and countless livestock – being ousted?  After watching what some stupid pricks have called the most important film of our era, I have determined that it can be only one man behind this mess.  One man and his diabolical…megalomaniacal scheme.

Zuckerburg!

Ever since this socially inept dipshit somehow stumbled upon the map of success with Facebook, he has had but one goal, and one goal only.  A prize for all time.  No, this prize is not in his billions, nor in his algorithms.  The prize, my simple friends, lies within the abandoned ruins of Carthage.  On the shores of Tripoli.  Beneath the city of Alexandria.  In the heart of the Holy Land. Don’t you now see it, my despotic brethren?  This awkward and abrasive tit plans to trump us all, and become the great monopolizer of our sacred dictatorships.  You can see it in his beady eyes.

Where, I ask you, is the level playing field?  Why doesn’t anybody speak out?  Where are the anti-trust laws protecting our mom and pop dictatorships from monopolization?  Under these circumstances, we can’t possibly compete against him and his 13 year old cronies.  I mean, how the hell can we put down a rebellion if its origin is some whining asshole’s tweet about not having a job?  Or a say in the government?  Or food?  Or money for clothes?  Well, maybe he shouldn’t have spent his money on the iphone then.

As a former middling dictator, my heart goes out to these little despots.  These pioneers, these small-folk.  These brave men who managed against all odds to carve out their little part of the world…with their own sweat, their own toil (and their own M1 Abrams provided by the United States).  And now this half child – half douchebag comes along and takes it all away from the elder statesmen of the Middle East?

Though we be cast adrift in the sea change, do not fear.  You can make a difference.  Your voices shall be heard above the tumult of the unwashed.  So all of you little dictators come out from your exile, whether you are stuck in a palace in Saudi Arabia, or a cozy house in Hawaii.  Start tweeting.  Update your facebook.  Put your current employment status on linkedIn.  The world shall no longer be deaf to your plight.  I speak not for just a few aging autocrats, but for the multitude…the poor disenfranchised dictators who have been bullied for 6000 years by the Zuckerburgs of civilization.

Let us strike back with the pube-haired nob’s own arsenal…before it is too late.  We can turn the tide, my friends, but we must act now.  And so I summon forth my own little social network.   Update my own status.  Tweet my own revolutionary tweets. RT@ben ali gaddafi and mubarak never give up never surrender despots of the world unite lol!  And then pat myself on the back for making a difference.